The three stages of shared parental leave (a man’s perspective)

When I returned to work after four months looking after my daughter, I reflected on my experience in a linkedin post consisting of three acts. I thought this may be useful to reshare now the website is up in case it’s helpful to any new (or expecting) parents now.

Act 1: Doubt

(Three months after the baby is born and Paul is considering his parental leave options)

“Can I really take four months off?” Paul asks his wife Vanessa.

“Yes” she replies, sipping a tea. “The law changed last year and parents can now split 12 months of parental leave between the mom and dad, with statutory pay for the first 9 months. I want to take eight months so you can take four.”

“But, what will work say? Will it impact my career?”

“You know better than me but there is not much they can say – it is the law now. I’m sure Everoze will be supportive; I thought a flexible, supportive working environment was one of the reasons why you joined them?”

“I guess so…the change in law does make it easier and you are right Everoze would be supportive. It’s just, I don’t know, four months is a long time? Would I enjoy it?”

“Of course you will enjoy it. I mean I'm not saying it is easy, at times it is more purposeful than pleasurable, but the rewards hugely outweigh the effort.

Four months might sound like a long time but trust me it takes a while to get into it. Just think about how much you will bond with our daughter and how important these four months are to her life? What was that thing your Dad said - that he loved his life but that you kids grew up really fast and perhaps he could have spent more time with you when you were little?”

“Okay, okay…I’ll think about it…”

Act 2: Despair

(Three weeks into Paul’s parental leave)

“I just don’t know how single parents do it!” exclaims Paul.

“I know, right” replies Tim a fellow parental leaver, trying and failing to get a spoonful of food into his 7-month old son’s mouth.

“Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be a holiday, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard! It’s just relentless – super long days when your life is completely taken over, without a minute to yourself, and you have to clean the stupid high chair 5 times a day!

“Ha, yep I know” says Tim “And everyone always assumes you get these super long naps where you can do whatever you like, but the routine is always messed up and you’re usually out of the house. If you’re in the house you need to do some admin or call someone – before you know it your back at it again. You know last week I calculated that I do a 55 hour week! That is a serious shift, particularly on four hours of broken sleep and no breaks!”

“Exactly.” Paul concurs. “You are super dependent on her mood – if she’s happy then you can have a great hour or day, but if she is sick, or tired, or in a leap – which seems to happen all the time – then that hour or day is really hard. It’s such a rollercoaster! When I started this I assumed that parental leave would be better than working, now I'm not so sure…”

Act 3: Joy

(Three months into Paul’s parental leave)

“Why would you not share parental leave?” exclaimed Paul to Tim.

“I mean, it’s great for you, great for the kid and great for your relationship - you go on this crazy journey of self-discovery, finding new ways to live and love and be. Like yesterday I was pushing her in the pram and she got the giggles at a leaf or a bird or something, and then I got the giggles and we were both just giggling away! Such great times with your daughter at such an amazing time in her life.”

Tim smiles knowingly as Paul continues:

“You know I felt closer to Skye on my first day of parental leave than I did in the eight months before? Here I was, in charge, the primary carer for her, I couldn’t ask Vanessa what to do – it was my job now. This was scary at first but once you get used to it, it gives you such confidence being with her...”

“And such a better understanding of what your wife went through” adds Tim.

“Yep, there is definitely a much better balance between Vanessa and I – even though she seems to have quickly forgotten how challenging it is at times!”

I can also see that in a few years time I am going to look back on this time with such joy - her smile, laugh, her first time on the swings – such a great foundation for our lives to come!

Epilogue

Since being made a legal right in the UK in 2016 take up of shared parental leave by fathers remains very low (~1%). Clearly it is not possible for all families to make shared parental leave work but far more could take it than currently do. This suggests that although the law has changed, culturally we still have a long way to go. This is my small contribution to changing this culture. 

My thanks to Everoze for their support before, during and after my parental leave!

Please post any comments or personal experiences below or feel free to get in touch if you have any thoughts or questions about the experience.